At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
