There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
