Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
