your parents love me but you hate me
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
