turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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