Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
