I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
