Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The Olympian is in my bed
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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