Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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