I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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