I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
