I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
