Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
