After last night, I could never be a politician.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
