i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We don't watch enough power rangers
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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