I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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