Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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