I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
