I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
