I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I am never drinking with the goths again.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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