i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
