I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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