I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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