I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
