If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
there's paper in my vomit.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
