You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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