i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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