Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
