just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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