oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
