He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
