I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
