So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
