I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
