i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
