My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
