Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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