jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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