I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Life is so much better after having sex.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
