i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
