Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
