Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
