Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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