If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
