trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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