You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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