Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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