it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
