Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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