Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
