I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
