Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
