Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
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Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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