dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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