Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
