At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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