Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sext me about skeletons
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
