Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
