There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I AM VODKA MAN
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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